Butterflies …

I was having one of these conversations with my best friend the other day and she told me one of these “falling in love” sentences “My heart flutters every single time I see his name on my phone.” Gosh, I love love. And I love seeing people in love. I want everyone to get to be in love with someone! I really do.

Alright, one more down! Why do they all keep going down __except me actually__ I’m wondering?!

I never imagined myself saying that about anyone. I had hoped I would. I really did and I still do. I wanted to be in love and not just give my heart to anyone, I was on a quest to find someone spectacular and never let go. But I really didn’t think there was any way I’d be so in love with someone who reciprocated all the same feelings. I just completely dive in and I suddenly brake… How am I supposed to trust anyone that much with my feeling… I wouldn’t!! well, I wanted to give them to someone who won’t take them for granted and would remind me how he feels each day. I guess my protective instincts got out of hand and prevented me from taking the famous “jump”. I am still struggling to handle something heavy. I blame other people for it — my exes, my parents. I push people away because I have been hurt before and am only trying to protect myself.

I feel like I spent years of my life just longing for someone to love me. It brought me to tears so often. I thought I was being patient and waiting for the right guy, but I wasn’t being patient or waiting at all. I didn’t want another disappointment, another guy with potential who would throw it all away.

I was complaining when I didn’t have someone, and when I did, it wasn’t healthy or the right timing or the right person – it never felt like love. I have always been the person who cared more, and I never thought twice about it.

Trying to find our “soulmate” is what it’s really about? Well, I guess it’s what we really long for at the end of every day. Someone to cuddle with, someone to eat takeout with, and someone to just be with.

But sometimes we get to a point where we will take what we can get. I desperately NEEDED to be alone to learn how to deal with myself before anyone else in the world would ever want to deal with me. That doesn’t mean it’s ever easy to deal with me, and for a long time, I thought that made me unlovable. I still feel so hard to love.

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